So, I walk out to the kitchen to get a perfectly innocent yogurt, see my mom and step-dad on the couch, look to see what they're watching, and what do I see but NAKED PEOPLE!! I'm sure it was a classic double-take moment, but I was too busy being in shock to laugh at it.

It turns out, they were watching (well, I think my mom sorta talked my step-dad in to watching) Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, in which this straight guy (and his friends) were nudists. Well, I guess it takes all types. The worst part was, they were old, and they were dancing. I'm scarred for life. The entire situation was pretty funny though, I kept laughing. It was very odd, I stood there going "OMG, I don't want to see this!!" but I couldn't turn away, either. One of those weird you're just drawn to it things. Very funny, actually, if you can laugh at yourself. Which I can. I'm actually very good at that. I am self depricating. But that's for another time.

I just had to share with you all, it was just too... well, something not to tell you about. Rita, we've saved it, you must come over and watch the whole thing with me. I only saw the very end with the dancing naked old people. I must truamatize you as well, since I've been scarred for life.

The most disappointed part of the whole thing? There were no *cute* naked people. Women or men. Jai is hot, and Kyan is cute in that way, but *they* did not have the decency to get naked with all the nudists. How sad. I mean, they're gay, yeah, but is it really too much to ask? I can still look, can't I??

*sigh* So close, yet so far...

It's actually very strange that I'm laughing at the whole thing. Two months ago I'd have been scandalized. Amazing what the truth can do to you. *glare at parents and/or biological father who is not currently spoken to* Look at me, I'm a seventeen year old girl, and I'm ACTING like it!! Take that, life!! I will live my life and have fun despite you throwing me traumatic events!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!

( What am I talking about? (Warning: Adult themes, TV 14, so on and so forth) )

It's amazing how I can go from subject to subject like that. My brain just starts going and doesn't stop. It is the Energizer Bunny. Very annoying when one is trying to sleep, I tell you. Can't clear my mind long enough to relax.

In other news, Rita and I saw Corpse Bride today. Funny movie!! Evil Lord Brakis (or whatever his name was)! I wanted Victoria to slap him, but she was too proper for that. I thought Emily deserved to punch him, too, but perhaps being dead she was concerned her hand would fall off when she tried. That would be a bump in the road, so to speak. (Not that they had roads, they had dirt paths...) I want to go shopping and buy new clothes for the new, happier, more confident, me. Must get a job so I have money to buy clothes with. *plot*

Ta, everyone!!

-Mavrick

P.S. 6 days 'till my braces are taken off!! Yay!!

I GET MY BRACES OFF IN TWO WEEKS!!!! TWO WEEKS!!YA-FUCKIN'-HOO!!!! (YOU CAN TELL I'M EXCITED, I'M CURSING!)

OCTOBER 4.

13 DAYS.

I WANT TO CELEBRATE.

HMMM, ROOT BEER FLOAT....

In other news, my room is clean. *gasp* I've decided not to let this "thing" beat me. It happened, it sucks, it's going to be difficult, but I'm 17 years old, and I'm gonna go have fun ANYWAY!! Take that, life!! *lunge with sword* And that!! You won't keep me down!! Besides...

13 DAYS!!!!!

I am at a loss to explain anything I have done in the last few days. Usually I can come up with some, warpped reason I do the strange things I do. I'm totally stumped. And confused. And conflicted.

I don't get it. I dislike not getting things. My life has been about understanding things so I can deal with them. I don't get this. I don't. I don't get why one minute I'm happy bouncing off the walls and the next I'm calling an old friend I haven't spoken to in over a year crying hysterically. I don't understand how I can go from "I'm getting yogurt" to screaming at the top of my lungs in half a second flat.

I mean, I get being upset with the information I've just learned. I get being mad and scared and even humiliated. I get having a hard time trusting my parents again. I get that I'm a victim and could have done nothing different. I get that the situation was completely out of my control as a two year old. I get that it is in no way my fault.

I do not get why I suddenly can't look anyone in the eye because I'm terrified that somehow they'll know. I do not get skipping my classes (classes I have looked forward to for months) because I can't face the idea that someone might find out. I do not get how I can be so split over what happened and what I'm feeling. I don't understand how I can be feeling all these things at once.

On the one hand, knowing what I know, I suddenly understand my heightened sense of bounderies. It makes much more sense to me now that I am offended when a guy looks at me in "that way", even if part of me is flattered. No wonder I'm so defensive. For the first time I really understand why I am the way I am, and that's a powerful thing. I'm not afraid of what might happen anymore and I don't feel the need to avoid situations that could potentially be uncomfortable. If I want to go out and fun, then dammit, I will. I am a teenage girl, I'm supposed to have fun. And if I feel pressed upon, Lord help the poor fool. When I feel backed into a corner I fight back. And I'm not ashamed of that, either. I'm glad to know I can fight, given the past. To know I can fight it is comforting. And with that, I can relax and actually have fun instead of being on my guard all the time. It's very exhausting after awhile.

On the other hand, I'm utterly humiliated. I know it's a common reaction to this type of thing, but I don't understand why. I was the victim, I had no control. Hell, for a two year old I fought back just by saying something. But there it is. I've always wondered if I'm the kind of girl guys can actually fall for, given my defenses and sensitive bounderies. And now, even if those don't come into play (which I suppose they always will in some degree, but perhaps I'll relax a little over time?), I'm going to have to contend with these memories. Who knows how I'll react? For all I know I'll suddenly freak out and start crying. It's really not that uncommon. What guy wants to wait around for the girl to get over things? I guess if she's worth it, but I've never seen myself as worth the wait, you know?

And that seems strange to me too, because when I'm honest and objective with myself, I know that I'm a pretty good person. I have my flaws of course, but I'm honest and kind and loyal and perhaps to ethical for my own good. I stand by what I do and say, and when I make a mistake, I own up to it. I'd do just about anything to help my friends, and I've found I'll do quite a lot to help someone I don't really know, just because they are a person too, and I think everyone deserves to have help. Talk about good karma. In the end, I think my good traits do out-weight my flaws. And still, I don't think I'm the type that people fall in love with. I'm the little sister or Jiminy Cricket, or both.

And of course, knowing this just adds to that. To be very cynical, what guy wants damaged goods? I may not be a psycho murderer, but I've certainly got some weird personality quirks. I can't imagine anyone wanting to put up with them day in and day out forever. Plus, I'd probably drive myself crazy from stress because I'm feeling guilty about not being perfect. Or "the perfect human", because no one is perfect. Everyone messes up, but there are degrees of messing up, and I don't want to get to the bigger ones. I feel guilty with minor mistakes. I'm on a life-long guilt trip.

If we could drain some of my guilt and give it to dictators, they'd be changing faster than you could snap your fingers and doing whatever they can to make up for what they did. Or they'd go crazy from the guilt and try to kill themselves.

You know, I'm not even entirely sure what I'm saying here. But it can be helpful to write (or type, in this case) down your feelings, so as long as I've got one of these things, I mind as well give it a shot. They say it never hurts to try.

Which, actually, is not at all true. You try pot and get hooked, that's harmful. You want to see if you can fly with the new wings you invented and jump off a bridge only to find that your wings do not work, that's harmful. There are quite a lot of things you can try in the world that will end in pain or otherwise badness. But that an entirely different ramble for another time.

I'm going to bet Rita is really the only person (and Jenny, but I don't think she's here, and even if she was, she doesn't know I'm here, so that cancels her out) who has a chance of understanding this. I say chance, because there's no sure bet she will. I have no sense what-so-ever right now, so this may be a bunch of babbling by a mentally confused person.

Still, I hit the post button. Why? I do not know. Perhaps it's a desperate plea for someone to explain what I'm feeling to me, or I just want to guilt you all into saying what a good person I am. I'm really not sure. I have not even a guess, and when it comes to why I do things, that's a first. I've had guesses before. Sometimes way off base guesses, but guesses none-the-less.

Why am I still typing? The madness must end now. I will ramble no more for tonight.

Except to say this: We've got a dog! Just now. She's a small white poddle and her name is Dolly. Buddy is going to totally stress tomorrow, but she's such a sweetheart.

There. That's it. I'm done. Finished. Nothing more to say. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nothing more at all. Oh hell, I'm going to go ramble somewhere else now.

First day of classes today. >.< Missed the history class I was going to try to join, but I suppose expecting myself to be able to wake up at 6 was a little much. So I'll take it next semester, perhaps, and take a Poli Sci class this semester. Watch out, blonde headed your way!

Went to my first fencing class. Got lost trying to find it and was late because they didn't print out the room numbers right. Instead of 102 (or whatever it was) it was 10. Well, there *is* no room 10 in the P.E. complex. How confusing! I was only a few minutes late, though, so it wasn't so bad. She hadn't started, and other people were even more late. Sadly, we did *not* get to use the foils today. Instead, Sophie Whatever-her-last-name-is (it starts with an R, I think... I couldn't exactly hear) went on about what fencing was and how Catherine Zeta Jones was doing it wrong in the barn scene of The Mask of Zorro. I guess the trained eye can tell, when you know what you're looking for. Then we were treated (?) to a *history* of fencing and the fencing weapons. First there was a rapier and the saber, and then the rapier became the epee, and then fencing teachers decided they didn't want their students using large pointy things while they are learning potentially leathal moves, so they created the foil. The foil is what you think of when you think of fencing (it's the one that bends when you stab someone so you don't kill them) and the epee is the thin sword they use in movies. Like, for example, The Mask of Zorro. Because I didn't have enough useless information swimming around in my brain, taking up all the space for things I actually need to remember. (Like where my shoes are...) In her history lesson, Sophie did not mention that most people did not have foils, if they had an epee they didn't know how to use it, and they were too busy and too poor to hire someone to teach them, as they were trying to find something to eat. I suppose sharp pointy things are more important than people starving to death?

Took my car to get washed, because it was just gross. Going on vacation without it combined with them painting the house did not a good combination make. But it's pretty and clean now. Got new shoes at Meryvns, and it turns out they're hiring. I'm going to go fill out an application tomorrow I suppose, since it's only on the computer and you have to do it there. It was very difficult not to get lost in the purse sections. The Livermore Meryvns has a great purse section, and they are my addiction. I really have more than any human could ever need, but I still buy more. And I still can't find one I need when I need it. One of these days I'm going to have to try to organize my room. I think it was organized at one point, a long, long time ago... Hmm...

I have noticed lately I have a very self-depricating sense of humor. I wonder if that's because I'm redirecting my anger towards my parents at myself? Unconcious anger at myself even though what happened was not my fault? Humiliation?

I think I'll come back and rant about my parents later. Must go eat blueberry cobbler now, since Grandpa (or an old man from church named Dick who has agreed to be my substitute grandpa since mine are dead) brought it over. Yum!

-Mavrick

P.S. What do you think of the icons? I download Photoshop because I was bored and was messing around with it. Sigh, I have no life...

Yes, I am in Brownsville. You can just tell what kind of town it is from the name, can't you? Very small. Like... very. Kinda cute, to a city girl like me.

So anyway, my mom has dragged me up here (not exactly kicking and screaming) to visit her college friends. It's actually rather fun because I love Cindy and Boz (who we're staying with) and it's a lot like a zoo here. I rather like the zoo.

We left Tuesday and drove to Ashland. (Me, mum, and Bruce.) I had to call Rita because I freaked out, but she is magic, so life is good again. Then Wednesday we drove to Brownsville (which is just passed Eugene) and invaded the house. Dean got there later. Boz didn't get home until 3:30 because Steve's flight was late. We all finally went to bed around midnight because we couldn't stay up any more.

Thursay we drove to McMinville (sp?) to visit Linfield College, where mum and the gang met. I got a tour with one of the upper classmen. He was actually cute, I was sad not to be able to kidnap him. Such is the hardships of life...

On our way there, we stopped and did some wine tasting. That was rather interesting, as about halfway through my step-dad started giving me the wine and having me taste it. I like dessert wines and sweet reds. We found the most perfect dessert wine ever, we got two bottles. It's the necter of the gods, really.

So when we got to McMinville, we went to "Alf's" and they had (I kid you not) a MONKEY! I don't know his name, but he was very cute. He started showing off when he woke up from his nap, it was very sweet. I asked mommy if I could have a monkey, but she said no. I was reminded of the monkey from Friends.

After that we got lost on the way home. We ended up in Carlton and did some more wine tasting. My mom liked the one wine none of the rest of us liked. I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with her, but I'm sure something is. We finally got home and Hanah's (Cindy's daughter) friend came over. I walked with them to the movie store (you can *walk* places in this town!) only to find it closed. Things close here at 9:00!! On the way back some guys kept driving by and whistling. I'm sure they were high. They finally left us alone when I threatened them with my shoe. It was actually pretty funny.

And now it is Friday, and Cindy, mom, and I are being lazy. Boz, Dean, and Steve have already gone to the river house (where we will be fishing (can I fish???)) but we have yet to take showers and get dressed. I'm almost done with my Jack the Ripper book. (The dog scared me Wednesday night, I was reading it and all of a sudden the dog starts snoring. I jumped like 10 feet!) I'm not convinced Walter Sickert was Jack the Ripper, but he does seem like a likely suspect.

So I guess I'm on the college hunt now (oh boy...) and I can't decided what kind of college I want to go to. Linfield is nice. It's private and small, only about 1650 students. Their big majors are business, law, and pre-med, which work well for me. They don't have a graduate program, but 75% of their pre-med students and 100% of their law students got into graduate school last year. So it's a good school. On the other hand, I kind of want the big city experience. New York or something. I can't decided. *holds head* Oh, the choices!!

And that's it for now. I don't know if the river house has the internet, so it's possible I'll be cut off until Tuesday or Wednesday (depending on what time I get back). I don't know if my cell will work there, either. I'll find out.

-Mavrick

P.S. Am I expected to eat the fish I probably can't catch? What ever happened to the store???

I am soooo tired! Rita's (early) birthday party was last night. We didn't go to bed until 4:30. And then we woke up at 7:30. And Oberon jumped on me while I was reading my Jack the Ripper case-file. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't scream and wake everyone else up. >.< Still, it was a fun party. But I have a question:

Why am I *always* paired with Rita??? Why??? I love my dearest, but no matter who we are, we always have something going on. Case and point for the party was Sirius and Remus, as we were watching Harry Potter. And if we were students, Ron and Hermione. Only I'm not *quite* that paranoid about studying. And hopefully not as much of a nag about it... I don't think I'd personally prey on young, innocent students, either, but Remus just can't help himself. Ginny's a nymphet, what's he supposed to do? What's anyone supposed to do?

We watched Lolita too. It was soooo sad! Poor Lo, and poor Hum, and poor, er, Charlotte, I guess, because getting hit with a car probably isn't the nicest way to die. But it looks to have been a quick death at least. That's got to count for something. The writers cared a little about her, then. And she had to get out of the story somehow. I wonder if she ever figured out Hum was giving her sleeping pills? Hmmm... I am *so* watching my husband (providing I get married) and his control over my pills.

I'm very tired. I said that already, but it's still true. And I have to attempt to be happy, as grandma is coming over for dinner. Bruce is making steaks. What part of "I don't eat steak" is so hard to understand? Honestly, as if I could eat Noel. (Baby cow we had. She was born on X-mas. Very cute.) The nerve of some people! *rightious indignation*

I'm going to bed now. Or I'm going to turn on the TV and lay down and not move, because it's hoooooottttt!!! Poor Rita, no AC for another week...

Testing, testing, one two three, does it work?

Hi all, just testing to see if I actually know what I'm doing. (Ha, that'll be the day...)

So... is it working?

I'll click post and we'll see!

-Mavrick

((edit))
Yay, it worked! This is pretty simple! Isn't that icon adorable? I got it from DDG. I got all my icons from DDG. I'm too lazy to make my own.
((/edit))